#338. hot showers, handwritten notes & insatiable learning

TLD HER: 20 QUESTIONS

Age: 22

Relationship Status: In a relationship

Occupation: Student/Softball Coach/Admin Assistant

Income: 40,000 ish

Astrological Sign: Leo

How are you, really?

Today, I am okay - good even! I am sometimes fearful to admit that I am doing well. I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

What is the greatest change you’ve made this year?

I am pretty proud of myself for this one: I quit vaping :) I have made a lot of changes this year, but this was a habitual one, and habits are hard to break.

What is something you hope never changes?

The love that I so freely give to my closest friends and family.

When do you feel most capable?

When I am working on a challenging school assignment. I am doing a research study right now, and it's all so new and interesting. Parts of it have been a bit of a learning curve, but once it clicks and I'm engaged and have it figured out, I feel so smart, empowered, and badass. I didn’t know if I would reach this point in life, so it's nice to be here and doing a half-decent job.

How do you nurture yourself?

I am still learning how to do this. Moving my body because I deserve to feel good and healthy. Trying to eat more than just one meal a day. Celebrating my own wins in the ways I would do for others. A lot of deep introspection and forgiveness, and a good hot shower at least once a day.

How do you nurture others?

This was a lot easier for me to answer than how do I nurture myself. For others, I celebrate every success and make everything a bigger deal than it needs to be. I also meet them where they are in life and provide a non-judgmental listening ear. I try to show them love in ways that they can truly feel it, whatever that may look like on the individual level. Also, handwritten notes. Always.

Is there anything you wish you had said but didn’t?

I spent a lot of my life being so angry at my dad. He had a substance addiction for most of my life. When he was clean, he was the best; when he was using, I felt so invisible. He overdosed and died a few days after my 16th birthday. I wish I had told him I loved him more. Despite it all, I knew he loved me so dearly.

What is something that turns you on?

Celebrating the successes of others, doing kind things without me asking, letting me turn the heat on to ungodly high temperatures, simple surprises, and don't judge me for this one…my boyfriend, in dirty work clothes straight after a long day.

What is something that turns you off?

Inconsistency, a lack of emotional intelligence, arrogance, the inability to have sympathy for others, condescending tone of voice, no desire to see the world.

When was the last time you walked away from something that no longer served you?

A few months ago, I decided that just because someone is family, it does not mean you have to put up with them putting you down. My grandma on my dad's side has this victim, borderline narcissistic mindset, and if things are not always about her and centered around her feelings, she will turn it into how “no one loves her” and “we don't care about her feelings”. I don't feel the need to cater to her when she goes out of her way to make me feel bad about myself, so I stopped reaching out to her, stopped sharing my good news with her and stopped trying to integrate her into a life she wants no part of other than for her self-serving reasons. I feel free.

How often do you feel you achieve balance?

Rarely. I am an all-or-nothing person in everything that I do in life. It’s so hard for me not to be so black and white in my approach to everything. I should work on this.

What is one risk you took that resulted in reward?

I have two for this. First, doing this research study! It was one of my professors' ideas; she had more faith in me than I still have in myself and encouraged me to apply to the Honors program to complete research. It has turned into the most fulfilling, healing, and empowering aspect of my life. Second, being in my current relationship. I think we both entered it a little cautiously due to our own traumas, but it has developed into something I am so infinitely sure about.

When do you feel most overwhelmed?

Whenever something is out of my control. I manage chaos and life and unpredictable bullshit so well, but the second a situation is in the hands of someone else I can't help but to freak out. Also, when things don't go exactly as I had planned them to in my head.

How do you move forward?

Knowing that life is fleeting, and we all make mistakes. I am learning the importance of forgiveness for myself and others, and I think that's started to be the foundation of my moving forward. Also, the belief that whenever one door closes, another will open. You will not be trapped in the same space forever unless you choose to be.

What is something that will always make you laugh?

Any time spent with my best friend. We have been through every stage of life together, and spending time with her brings us back to our truest, purest, most child-like selves. We really laugh so damn hard together.

What is something that will always make you cry?

Thinking about all the different versions of me that could exist if… enter a million ways every life situation could have played out differently and made me into a potentially better human.

Have you ever been betrayed?

Yes, a few times by others, but mostly by myself. I think self-betrayal is far more hurtful, impactful, and devastating than that by others. I was really going through it from like 16 to almost 18, and I just caused a lot of wreckage in my own life from straying from who I am, what I believe in, and even who I want to be. I was able to come back to myself. I am working on loving her despite her mistakes; she was just a kid.

What is your greatest temptation?

To return back to the spiteful, angry, and so desperate for love and acceptance person that I once was, anytime I sense things are off or I feel wronged and hurt. I have not returned back to this version of myself in a long time, but sometimes she doesn't feel so distant.

What is one thing you feel is missing from your current life?

Ugh, I hate myself for this answer. But money. I have a lot of good ideas, and this clear vision of what I expect my life to look like in the future and the only thing that I can't figure out is how I'm going to get the money to make it happen.

What is one thing you can’t get enough of?

Learning! Every opportunity I have to learn something new, I try to take it. I believe so strongly that education is one thing that can never be taken from you; it will always add to your life. This does not need to be formal education; anything that suits your curiosity and interests.

BONUS: Tell me something good.

I started to learn to bake, and I try to make everything homemade. I have gotten quite good at it and I love when my family friends make baked goods requests!