#414. giving yourself grace, having a golden birthday & battling cancer
TLD HER: 20 QUESTIONS
Age: 50
Relationship Status: Single
Occupation: Baker / Marketer
Income: $160,000
Astrological Sign: Pisces
Describe your ideal morning:
I am a morning person, so getting up early (rarely w/o the need for an alarm) to walk my Golden Retrievers with a view of the sunrise over the lake is perfect. Then, I hit the gym for some strength training before starting the “work” part of my day.
What is the last thing you think about before going to sleep?
I usually contemplate how to get my dogs out of my bed so I can get comfortable!
Sometimes, it’s daydreaming about how one of the best male friends in my life will become my partner in life.
If you could talk openly about any of the following ‘taboo’ subjects at a dinner party: politics, religion, money, or sex, what is one question you would pose to the table?
I’ve seen on dating apps, on TV, and in conversation that polyamory and ethical non-monogamy are talked about more openly. I would like to hear points of view on how couples decide to enter those spaces, how it works (physically and emotionally), what the challenges are, has it ever not worked, are there “contracts” or “terms”, etc. I am simply curious about the whole space because it doesn’t feel like an arrangement that I would ever feel comfortable in. I don’t want to judge anyone; I simply want a better understanding.
What is something you wish were taught in school?
How the real business world works for women. For instance, I dealt with many instances of sexual harassment in my 20s, and reporting it never led to any consequences. Being idealistic wasn’t always beneficial to me.
How do you define personal happiness?
This took me many decades, but I finally feel as though I have it. I own my truths, I work my therapy, I commit to myself, I am kind to others, and I’m kind to myself. I’ve learned to give myself grace for the mistakes that I’ve made, and have yet to make, and generally enjoy being in my own company.
When do you feel most helpless?
My most vulnerable and helplessness was by far when I was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 48. This was something that happened to me, and I had no control. However, I did make the decision quickly to listen to my medical team and do everything that was within my power to improve my chances of beating cancer.
What is something you are nostalgic about?
My first job out of college was at a major corporation in a small town. There was a large group of twenty-something year-olds who were recruited to work there, and we quickly bonded almost like a family. We had holiday dinners, late-night/early-morning bar closings, community events, beer pong, etc., together. It was an idyllic time in our lives. Plus, we were all making similar salaries and could simply enjoy the opportunities we had been presented.
When does, or will, your life feel complete?
Though I have never been one to imagine my wedding or to ever long for children, I would like to find a partner to share the remaining years with. I feel like the right person will be that last little corner puzzle piece – not necessary to see the full image, but does indeed complete it.
What is something you have forgiven, but will never forget?
When I was diagnosed with cancer, two friends who had been my closest two friends ghosted me. More than two years later, I haven’t heard from either of them. I was very hurt and angry for a while, but I decided to forgive them, let them go, and end that “season” of my life. I will never forget that hurt, but I let go of that and the anger and moved on to people who bring me joy and support.
What is one decision that seemed small at the time, but completely changed the direction or course of your life?
Having my first drink of alcohol in front of my parents. My dad was an alcoholic for years, and my maternal grandfather was too. I waited until my late twenties to drink in front of my parents. Once I allowed myself to do that, I slowly started on a path of becoming a functioning alcoholic myself. I spent many years drinking, hiding my drinking, making unwise decisions due to my drinking, etc. It took me being hospitalized along with the cancer diagnosis to finally seek professional help and get on the path of sobriety.
What is something that comes easily to you?
My friends and family would say “everything”, but that’s simply not true. Words. Words come easily to me. I’ve always been a talented writer and speaker. I have many people encouraging me to continue and expand my podcasting and to write books.
Baking also comes easily to me. It’s a talent many people envy.
What is the hardest thing you’ve ever done?
Eulogizing my paternal grandmother. She was not a well-liked person, so nobody was going to speak at her funeral. None of her children. No other grandchildren. Nobody.
I knew her to be grumpy too, but she had a bitingly funny side to her. I felt that she was owed a verbal tribute, and I delivered that. I broke down midway through it when I locked eyes with my cousin Johnny, who was crying in his seat. But I ultimately finished and gave my grandmother the eulogy I believed she had earned over her 94 years on Earth.
Where is your favorite place on Earth?
I have traveled all over the Earth, but I am still enamored by Lakeshore State Park. With its white rocks, crystal blue water, small sandy beaches, and wildflower patches, it is my sanctuary, and it’s even better when I’m with my dogs.
If you woke up tomorrow and were in charge of EVERYTHING, what would be the first thing you would do to make the world a better place?
Impeach and imprison Donald J. Trump, his cabinet, his allies, and his family.
Finish this sentence: money can’t buy you happiness, but it can afford you…
Not to worry about the small stuff that can hinder happy thoughts and prevent you from focusing on the joys of life.
What is the best thing you have been gifted or purchased on your own within the last year?
For my 50th birthday, I wanted to have a nice dinner party with my friends. Gold themed. Silly, but classy. I planned it and treated everyone to a perfect evening out. At the time of this writing, it was two weeks ago, and attendees are still talking about it. I tend to think about it every day, too. I was at the restaurant for dinner the other evening, and the staff was still talking about it as well. Having my friends show up for me was an amazing gift.
If you could give a woman who is 10 years younger than you a single piece of advice, what would it be?
Moisturizing is really important! Don’t sleep on your skin care routine.
Bonus: if you’re not speaking with a therapist, consider it. Talking with someone is so incredibly helpful, even if you don’t feel that your problems are that large/complex.
Is there anyone who knows everything about you?
Only me!
If you knew that life was short, what is one thing you would do right now?
I would tell my good friend that I love him – in a way that extends beyond our platonic friendship. If it meant we had time to be together as partners – wonderful! If he didn’t feel the same – life is short…I wouldn’t live with embarrassment for too very long.
If you knew that life was long, what is one thing you would do right now?
I would eliminate my financial stressors and focus on continuing to aggressively build my 401K so that I may retire early and enjoy many years post-career doing things that bring me joy.
BONUS: Tell me something good.
I have been known as “the gift card fairy”. My family doesn’t live here, so when I go out by myself, particularly on Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, International Women’s Day, etc., I like to choose a person/family and pay for their meal anonymously. It’s nice to know that they will have a pleasant surprise, and it makes my heart fill up.