A PATH FORWARD

the following is a transcript from my most recent podcast episode.

I don't even really know where to begin. If you follow me on social media and if you know me in real life, you know that I have always been someone who has supported human rights. I have always voted in favor of minorities, women, basic human rights, what I think is right, and what I think is moral. I am someone who votes in the best interest of women and who cares about protecting them mentally, physically, and emotionally. So, these last couple of days have been devastating. For me, for the country, for women, and for other minority groups. I, like many of us, have cried many times, and I think that this reaction is that, as a human being, I am concerned for myself, of course, but I'm really concerned about what is going to happen to a majority of people in this country, women in particular.  

I am disappointed by some of the people in my life. And I will say this: at this point, it is personal. We have crossed and blurred the lines between political and personal, and we are now on the other side of that. Politically, I don't care if I disagree with you. Personally, and morally, I care if we disagree. Fundamentally, we don't have much to talk about beyond the fact that sexual assault, hateful rhetoric, discrimination, racism, homophobia, and bigotry are not a deal breaker for you. For me, these are quite literally the most important things to protect against.

Women, in general, are caretakers and caregivers. We do so much for everyone else. I think that the disappointment is hitting so hard right now because we are seeing that so many people are not only not willing to do the same for us and reciprocate our efforts but are also not even willing to reciprocate basic respect.

In the wake of all of this, I feel even more passionately about speaking my truth and my experience and offering what I feel is a safe space for the people and the things I believe in. Mostly because what I'm seeing is that so many women do not feel safe right now and have not felt safe, probably the majority of us, our entire lives, but now, with actual legal rights being taken away from us. We feel unsure of who we can trust, unsure of who is on our side in this.

I think what is really coming to light right now and why things have felt so somber is, again, I assumed people would care for me and for the other women in the world and for minority groups because we're all people, and we're all experiencing the same humanity. To know that my assumptions were incorrect and to feel so let down by people, is probably what I am having the most difficult time with.

I'm struggling to find the vocabulary to explain the feelings that I'm having because it's such despair in so many moments that it feels like I oscillate between being so sad, to numb, to angry, and a lot of the women I have been speaking to are feeling this way right now. I work with women. I work with women every day. I communicate with hundreds of women every day. I listen to their stories. I am honored and so grateful that women are willing to share their life experiences with me. I am humbled to have women who trust me, share their stories and know their stories, have empathy for them, and hold space for them and their experiences.

In hearing from these women, the general consensus is that many of us feel similar to what I described. We are oscillating between being sad and disappointed and feeling betrayed, as well as feeling this rage and feeling like, in the next second, we are in despair. It's a very difficult thing right now to pin down one specific feeling and again, to find the vocabulary to describe exactly what this feeling is overall because it's comprised of so many different emotions.

To put it simply, this is not good for women. It is not good for women in general to feel this constant, extreme level of fight or flight, this constant level of fear, this constant level of, what is going to happen next? And now, feeling like no one is going to help or that we are completely on our own.

I am all in for badass women being hyper-independent and doing their thing. But I also feel badly that we have to go to that place and, in many ways, sacrifice connection and community in ways that we shouldn't have to. It should not be that our only option is to be so independent. It is so unnecessary for our only option to be completely insular to shut out the rest of the world, to do our own thing. So,  I'm sad that that's what we are left with as an option. I honestly think that, on many levels, it is the best option, but it is still sad.

We can talk about politics, and we can talk about our differences. We can talk about what's going to happen, but the way that women are currently feeling and have been feeling. The way that our bodies and our autonomy and our life and our lifestyles need to be constantly defended, is unfair and upsetting. This is nothing new. This is just such an extreme version of it. We have been doing this for years. I have been defending my decisions to people for years. Unless you are doing the three things that people want you to do, which are to get married, have children, and still contribute to the workforce in a very corporate 9-5 way, you're doing it wrong. All three of these things have never been something that I have even thought for one second that I wanted. But once people hear this, the conversation is over. There's no follow-up. And in fact, the conversation is, ‘well, that's okay’, as if it's something that happened to me and not something I have decided. So, we’ve been defending ourselves and our lifestyles for years - this is just a more extreme version of that.

I am sad that women feel that they need to be, that we need to be, in constant defense mode. It is exhausting. I also think that minority groups in this country shoulder so much of what we have and consume and love and the emotional and physical labor of black women; the result of black culture in this country, the result of queer culture in this country, is everything that you love. Whether you realize that or not, it's everything that we love. Everything from legitimately fighting for things and standing up for groups of people to the music that we listen to. It is on the shoulders of black women, of black culture, of queer culture. I don't know how to put it into words or come to terms with the fact that so many people can be hateful towards other human beings who have done so much in this country, in this world. Even if they've done nothing at all, for just being human and existing. I am at a loss for words.

My greatest takeaway in this, and for people who either understand this or don't understand this, is that this is really bad for women in the sense that, yes, rights will be taken away, and that will be horrific. And they already have been. We've already seen that this is going to happen and that this has happened. But mentally and emotionally, what this is doing to all of us is so upsetting. It's so upsetting to listen to. It's so upsetting to hear. It's so upsetting to watch. It is literally heartbreaking. And maybe that is the summation of what I'm feeling is, heartbroken. I am completely in mourning over a future that I believed we could have and that I hoped for so many people who deserve it.

We are worthy of living in a world where there is peace for us and where we don't have to be in constant fight, flight, freeze, and fawn mode all the time. This is why relationships are going to be damaged in this process; there are some of us who feel this so deeply.  Again, I am heartbroken. I'm devastated. I'm listening to other people who feel the same way. It has been a long couple of days. It will be a long journey.

I want to speak on the path forward, at least for myself. Firstly, as I said before, community is so important, and not just any community, the right community. I personally am going to be even more committed to doubling down on creating safe spaces for women, minorities, and the LGBTQ-plus community, both online and offline. I want to create space for the people I love in life, those who I believe deserve to feel safe and secure in life and who I want to feel that way when they're in my presence. I want them to feel like this is a place where we can all come together, and if and if we need to cry, cry, and if we need to fight, fight, and if we need to have hard conversations, have hard conversations. But I am sure that what will get us through this time is having each other and being communal.

My FYP is full of black women saying that they are done, that they're taking the next four years off, and they should. We have unfairly and unjustly put so much on them to be who we, as white women, should be to them and to our community. In that case, I also want to create spaces where people can just be, and don't have to act or do anything to be loved and appreciated and accepted. I want to create spaces or women, especially, and I want to create spaces for women where we don't always have to be the givers, that there is something that will fill your cup. I think again, we are so emotionally exhausted or so physically exhausted. We do the emotional labor for everyone around us, and it is tiring to get to a place where we feel like not only are things going to be reciprocated, but that all of the efforts, everything that we have done have gone completely unnoticed, have not been appreciated and have not been respected…and truthfully that people don't care about.

So, I think the bad news is…well, a lot of things. There's a lot of bad news. But the good news is, is that women are so fucking resilient, and women will power through in a way that astounds even us. It’s okay to grieve and it's okay to have moments of what the fuck and moments of anger and moments of despair and hopelessness. I've experienced those things daily, but I have also experienced this supercharge that if the world is not going to care about us, if the country is not going to care about us, we have been oddly given permission to only care about us and to only give a shit about the things that are important to us and to do things solely for us. Which I think for women on some level, and I wish it didn't take this to activate us, but I think that women will somehow be empowered by what is happening and to take control of their lives and to take control of their relationships and to take control of themselves and do things for them and maybe for the first time for a lot of us not for the people around us and not to appease people and not to please everyone and just because we either feel like it or don't.

Women are alchemists, women are the source, women are literally everything. So, to put us in a position where we are forced to use all of the amazing things that we know about ourselves in a way that lifts us up, I think is going to be revolutionary in many, many ways. That being said, however we all contribute to our community moving forward is going to look different for everyone. I think there are some people who are feeling very activated, very called, very, I need to do something now. There are other people who can't fathom getting out of bed right now. There are other people who feel exhausted and are done. There are some people who, six months from now, are going to feel that same activation. There are people whose sole purpose is going to be to have conversations with others, to welcome them, to hold space for them. Every role is equally important. We need everyone in this.

This is equally a reminder to myself because I think during the pandemic, for example, my first thought was activation, do something, if I have the ability to help, I should. I still feel that way and I feel that way now. But the result of that was burnout for me and a two-year depression that followed that because, in the process of helping everybody else, I did not care for myself at all. My needs were not met by myself or anyone around me at all.

So, I'm being discerning now about what I think needs my energy, deserves my energy. And first and foremost, that's me. It should be us as individuals in all, first and foremost. But  I do believe that my energy is needed in certain spaces right now and I am willing to show up for myself in that way. I'm willing to show up for others in that way. I'm willing to show up for people who deserve safe spaces, kind words, and community, and I believe that I can help facilitate that, provide that, etc.

As we move forward, please make sure that you're taking care of yourself first. Please make sure that you're resting. Please make sure that you are not suppressing feelings. Please make sure that you are fostering relationships that are reciprocal and that give back to you. Please make sure that you're drinking enough water, please make sure that you are nourishing yourself physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. Please make sure that you are good before you do anything else. Make sure that you are good, and then let's begin to build the community that means so much to us and bring the people who match our energy and exceed our energy together.

Today, in this day, do the natural next thing. If it is right now, getting up and taking a shower that's what the natural next thing is. If it is that you need to rest, that's what the natural next thing is. If it is that you need to put on your shoes and be prepared to go outside later, that is the natural next thing. Just look at the moment in front of you. It is overwhelming to think about things beyond this day. Three days ago, I did not have the energy, the capacity, the strength to even sit in my robe right now, which is what I'm doing, and speak to anybody. Thinking of what I'm doing right now, three days ago, would have overwhelmed me. I think that we all need to understand that as time moves forward, so do we, even if we feel like we're not. It is deeply, deeply important to honor your own needs, to be cognizant of what those needs are, and to feel empowered by meeting your own needs and exceeding your own expectations for yourself in terms of just and giving yourself kindness, generosity, pleasure and the life force that you need. That will ultimately help you feel like we are all moving forward.

Some things that I have found helpful. Drinking water more than I think I need - I feel like I'm crying a lot,  I'm losing electrolytes and hydration, and more water than I think I need is helpful. That being said, there is life in water. I heard this years ago, and it has always resonated with me. It is the reason why, whether it is hair wash day or not, you need to dunk your head under some water and get your face wet. There is life in water. It will restore you. It will revive you. Sometimes just a rinse makes me feel so much better.

The other couple of things that I've been doing are communicating with people who are feeling the same way that I am. I'm going to go on a walk later today with one of my friends who said, I haven't stopped crying, and to be honest, I might cry on our walk…of course, I said, me too. There is connection in this, even if it's not in the way that we hoped it would be. Surrounding yourself with the right people is going to be crucial moving forward, but it is also crucial in these moments of what we do now: collaborating with people and sharing thoughts and ideas with them, sharing feelings with them. It is important. It is catharsis. We need it. I would encourage you to connect with people who are feeling the same way that you are right now, whether online or offline.

Lastly, and I'm not going to apologize for this or call it a guilty pleasure or make myself feel anything other than, this is exactly what I want to do at this given time, but watching mindless television and not doom scrolling in the way that I was day one and two and not worrying about cooking myself a gourmet meal and allowing myself to sit and not too much of anything. Having wine when I feel like it, watching rom-coms, it all has been helpful. We look at escapism as such a bad thing sometimes, and I firmly believe, and I always have believed this, that to escape is just to give your mind a break. The world is heavy. Life is heavy. People are saying heavy shit. I'm not even going to address the men in the room because this is, for me at least, is about women and about getting us together, but please make sure that you are surrounded by male counterparts who are allies in this and whom you feel safe around, whom you feel comfortable around and whom you feel have your best interest - because it really makes a difference.

To end this , I just want to say thank you to all of the people who did vote in our best interest and who do believe that we have a brighter future than what it seems right now. Thank you to the people who are going to continue the good fight and who are going to continue to support women and minority groups, people of color and the LGBTQ community.  These are the people who, right now, are my priority, and if you are feeling the same way, thank you. I appreciate you, and I am genuinely looking forward to seeing what we can all do together. I know that it's very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, and for me, it is, too. I would be lying if I said I had this really clear vision of what is to come. But I do believe that there is great power in community and that we are all in this together, and again, every role is necessary.

This morning I asked on Substack chat,  what will you do for yourself today to bring yourself joy? One woman said she was going to write a love letter to herself and I thought that that was so wonderful. So, I'm going to do the same. And I took major inspiration from that. We need to write ourselves more love letters.

Give yourself the compassion, the grace, and the continuous love that you need this week and moving forward. And please know, truly, please know that any space that I create virtually or in person is a safe space for you to be. And if at all, you ever feel like it is not, you can come to me and tell me about it, and I will fix it, and I will change it. But I am so proud of the community that we have right now, and I read the comments on a regular basis. I moderate the comments. I block people who don't have nice things to say. But 99.99% of the comments are wonderful and kind and exactly what I hoped that they would be. So, I hope we can continue that. And if you don't know about the comments and the community that I'm talking about on TikTok, there are 50,000 women who are banding together and having beautiful conversations with each other every day.

I vow to continue creating safe spaces for women, to continue to support women, to continue to amplify women's voices, to continue to be an ally and a supporter of minority communities and LGBTQ plus community. I am more than equipped to do whatever is necessary for us to feel like we can have places to go.

So that's what I'll be working on. And that's where I will channel my feminine rage, energy, and output. I honestly kind of feel liberated and empowered in many ways that the bullshit has kind of been taken out of the equation. We've seen that people do not give a shit, and so our give-a-shit meter for things other than us can go way down.

I love you, and I care about you, and I will continue to support this community, foster this community, and facilitate safe spaces for this community as a promise to myself, to you, and, hopefully, the future.