Every week, I ask Women the same 20 Questions, Here's what I've Learned...
TLD HER: 20 QUESTIONS
Over the last three months, I’ve asked over 100 women of all ages the same 20 questions (anonymously); here’s what I’ve learned.
Women under 20…
WORRY: most about the future of their careers.
BELIEVE: that they have been in love at least once.
RECOMMEND: …not much, actually; they often skipped the ‘three things to put other women onto’ question.
WISH: they had more time to figure out what they wanted to do.
LOVE: to journal/ document their experiences.
Women in their 20’s…
WORRY: most about finding a partner / falling in love.
BELIEVE: in women’s rights.
RECOMMEND: ClassPass and pilates.
WISH: they didn’t think about their bodies as often.
LOVE: their female friendships.
Women in their 30’s…
WORRY: most about their fertility (and how little information there is around fertility in general).
BELIEVE: in owning property and investing / being financially literate.
RECOMMEND: finding a form of movement that you love and reading often.
WISH: they had more female friends.
LOVE: their partners.
Women in their 40’s…
WORRY: most about muscle mass/ lifting heavy weights.
BELIEVE: in being a conscious parent.
RECOMMEND: finding a creative/ crafty hobby.
WISH: they had stopped worrying about small things sooner.
LOVE: their careers.
Women in their 50’s…
WORRY: most about spending enough time with their families.
BELIEVE: in religion and self-love.
RECOMMEND: letting go.
WISH: they knew how young they would feel in their 50’s.
LOVE: their kids.
(if you are someone in their 60’s and older - I would love to interview you!)
We all wake up and look at our phones...and we all wish that we didn’t.
My first question to these women was, “What is the first thing you do each morning?” Only a handful of women answered that they intentionally did something before checking their phones. What’s more surprising is that every single person who admitted to texting, calling, playing games, or scrolling feels guilty about it, often prefacing their answer with, “Unfortunately…”. So, why do we do it? More importantly, what would we rather be doing instead?
Women are smart.
Most women’s positive, repetitive thoughts involve knowing they are smart, capable, and can handle just about anything.
Everyone is always thinking about their body.
There were literally three women out of over 100 who said that they unabashedly loved their bodies: loved looking at them, loved dressing them, loved being in them – all of whom would describe themselves as ‘plus-sized,’ ‘chubby,’ or ‘fat.’ Every 1 in 20 or so women would offer something like, ‘I try to think about what my body does for me,’ or ‘I try really hard to practice body neutrality,’ but despite our best efforts, most women are thinking about their bodies, negatively…all the fucking time.
My real question is, if we all know that we are constantly in this state of self-body-shaming, doesn’t that mean we can stop? If we all feel like shit about ourselves, doesn’t that weirdly give us permission not to? It might seem counterintuitive, but knowing that everyone else is thinking about their body has made me stop thinking about mine. It really is the least interesting thing about me (and us).
Women are “terrified” of love.
When asked, “How do you feel about falling in love?” the majority of women described it as “terrifying” to experience it or being “terrified” at the prospect of meeting someone, even though they want to. The Oxford English Dictionary defines the verb terrify as cause to feel extreme fear. Merriam-Webster adds: to deter or intimidate. This was one of my more interesting findings - that romantic love scares and intimidates so many women. After reading at least 100 women describe love this way, I have to wonder if the terrifying part is the love itself or if it is the unknown. While all feelings and experiences are valid, I have to assume that the intimidation factor comes from our general fear of 2 things: 1. Not knowing how / when things will begin or end and 2. Being hurt. We are hard-wired to protect ourselves, and the thought of rejection produces the same anxiety that being eaten by a wild animal once did.
Love itself is not dangerous; it is not anxiety-producing, it is not fear-inducing. In fact, it is the purest and most natural form of anything we know. So, is it the love we are terrified of, or is it the experience of disappointment, betrayal, rejection, and contempt that so many women associate with having a romantic relationship?
On second thought…maybe it’s the men.
They also think it’s worth it.
Despite initial trepidations of ‘falling in love,’ almost every woman in a current relationship argues that the ‘staying in love’ part is the stuff that really matters. While falling feels well…terrifying. Staying feels warm. In the end, it seems that the risk is worth the reward.
The Two T’s: Travel and Therapy.
Almost every woman said they want other women to experience one or both of these two things. Travel when you can (even small, seemingly insignificant trips matter) to get out of your comfort zone and into someone else’s world. And take advantage of therapy (any form of it) to get out of your head and into your own world.
The only book we need to read.
“Everything I know about Love: A Memoir” by Dolly Alderton. This book was referenced and recommended so many times that even I was influenced…and the hype is real.
Turns out…our parents are humans.
Despite our initial assumption that our parents are perfect, everyone eventually realizes that they are just other humans walking this same path alongside us. More specifically, “they are experiencing life for the first time also.” A version of this quote was written over 40 times.
But they also can really fuck us up.
SO many women alluded to having empathy for their parents while also admitting that, sadly, maybe their best was not good enough. In summation, the wounds that are created in childhood open and close throughout our lifetimes and require healing well into adulthood.
We value sex & money the least.
The majority of interviewees said that sex and money were ranked as least important to them amongst love, laughter, and food (usually in that order). Many say that sex is not essential – or simply not that good. And that money is something they are forced to care about but don’t feel emotionally connected to.
There is life in water.
Many women said that they feel most like themselves or are most at ease when they are in, around, or even viewing bodies of water.
Astrology by the numbers: how well was your sun sign represented?
Virgo: 17
Taurus & Leo: 11
Scorpio: 10
Aries, Cancer, Libra, Sagittarius, Capricorn: 7
Gemini & Aquarius: 6 (but 8 Aquarius Moons)
Pisces: 4
Four women did not provide their astrological signs.
Female friendships are what make our world go around.
More than 90% of women credit the women in their lives as primary sources of happiness, love, and laughter. Some even state that their friendships are more important and often more fulfilling than their romantic relationships. Basically, women rule everything around us…but we knew this already, didn’t we?
Lastly, women are incredible. This project—the questions, the vulnerability, the women who share their stories with us, the audience who responds so poignantly, the kindness that threads its way through this community—I am quite literally obsessed with it and with you…all of you.
Thank you for being here. I am in awe of every person who has contributed – big or small – to this vision. It is amazing to see it being received exactly as intended.
A new set of TLD HER: 20 Questions is dropping tomorrow. Cheers to the next 100!
Love you,
Devyn